April 20, 2009

Coming Attractions for Summer 2009


X-Men Origins: Wolverine (May 1): Ever wonder how Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) got those wicked hangnails? These and other revelations will be sure to have us in the seats.

Star Trek (May 8): Phasers set on "lame" for this attempt to save ruin a beloved sci-fi franchise. It's about the early days of James T. Kirk, Spock and "Bones" McCoy before they went boldly where no man had gone before. Unfortunately the writers have TOTALLY RUINED it by hiring two bit actors with no acting skill, hired only for their sex appeal. Our conclusions? BOYCOTT THE CRAP OUT OF THIS FILM.

Angels & Demons (May 15): Before The Da Vinci Code, there was another dastardly religious plot for symbol sleuth Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) to unravel. This prequel co-stars Ayelet Zurer, Ewan McGregor and Stellan Skarsgård. We're looking forward to this one... sounds like fun.

Terminator Salvation (May 21): This robotic-killer franchise has morphed more often than a T-2000 cyborg. The fourth film chapter (the first without the Governator) is charged to deliver serious jolts, with Christian Bale (of Batman fame) playing humanity's saviour John Connor.

Up (May 29): A retired balloon salesman (Edward Asner) hitches his product to his house and flies to South America for the adventure he'd always promised his late spouse. More crap from Disney/Pixar.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24): All you really need to know is that this is Transformers 2, wherein giant robots and puny humans (led by Shia LaBeouf) blow things up and try to work out their differences. Mmm... Optimus Prime smashing stuff...

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July 1): Ice Age III, the popular prehistoric animated franchise, seems to have mixed up the timeline... this one is going to confuse the kids about which came first, dinosaurs or woolly mammoths.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (July 15): The sixth in the Potter film franchise, still one book behind the print revolution, and once again starring a rapidly aging Daniel Radcliffe as the wizardly Harry. Probably just as good as it usually is (about 3 stars, 5 if you're a serious fan).

The Wolfman (Nov. 6): Benicio Del Toro gets really hairy in this remake of the classic 1941 horror film. Anthony Hopkins co-stars. Sweet.

Avatar (Dec. 18): Writer/director James Cameron hopes to top Titanic, in this futuristic epic about a disabled marine who mutates with alien DNA in an adventure set 200 years in the future.

See Also:
Wolverine Film Leaked
Russell Crowe as Robin Hood???

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